All Wind Swirls

I’m dead in the water
Still looking for ya
I’m dead in the water
Can’t you see, can’t you see

–Dead in the Water  Ellie Goulding

I guess you always think you are healthier than you are.  Then once in a while you rely on that bottle too much or your words are too pointed or you obsess too perfectly or you want that recognition too badly or you don’t care anymore who gets stepped on or the problem in the end could never just be you.  I think we have all been there.

Those are hard days.

Mainly because I think we are all in the process of dying for something.  Things are killing us, and usually for me, I get so easily wrapped up in death by the wrong things.  I choose death by the unimportant.

A sweaty bishop, who is now entertaining Jesus and the angels, once said to a crowd that I happened to be in that “God and the Devil both want you dead, just for different reasons.”

I remember very few sermons.  I can almost recite that one word for word.  Some blows of God just get past every wall I put up and knock my heart straight out of my chest.

I remember telling God in that moment that whatever it took, I will go to the end for you.  I will go to wherever you call.  I am not going to turn away.  I am going to let you drag me through the desert.

But then He did.

And it hurt.

And then it passed.

And then I got comfortable.

And then the dreams started.

And then I had to jump.

And then I had to realize how scary the falling part is.

And then I had to just keep waiting for the catch.

And sometimes it takes years…

And my brain started screaming about what to do when you jump and the wait feels like forever.

I remember as a moronic, falsely invincible high school boy how we used to jump from incredible cliffs into mountain pools in the summer.  We would climb up 50 feet and jump these crazy cliffs and slam into the water.  Oh what parents don’t find out until later 🙂

The thrill was incredible, it was such a rush to hit that water.  We all loved it so much – except when we took that step off.  There was that pacing back and forth, staring down and then the narrowing of the eyes.  A quick shout of “Let’s do this!”

Then came the fall.

It usually took several seconds to fall that far, which felt like all eternity was passing.  In those seconds, my mind would race all around and kick myself for stepping off.  What the hell are we doing Joel!  You’re going to miss the pool and die…

Then my shoes (you had to wear shoes that high) would slam the water, and the sound, my gosh that sound was so loud!  It was like the dark thunder-clap in a summer storm in my ears.

Down into the water I would go, usually a good fifteen feet.  As I swam up through the bubbles, my head would break the surface and out of my lungs would come a tremendous scream.  Fear and adrenaline all mixed up in my blood.

I just wish that fall in real life felt different.

It is like that step, and then the cliff rushes by, but the water hasn’t caught yet. Just the sinking feeling.  It is that free fall into Grace that says It will catch me, that leap we all take, but wish there was a way around it all.

And yet, to not take the leap is to die a thousand other ways.  Most of them ordinary and boring.

I was talking to a student recently about drugs, cause what else do you talk about over frozen yogurt?  They asked towards the end what the problem of it all was.  The only thing I could think of was simply to be honest…

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You know what my friends who got hooked hard on drugs did in the end?

What?

Nothing.  They ended up doing nothing.  They took all the gifts and talents of their life and did absolutely nothing with it.  I can’t think of anything worse.

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It is somewhat popular to say that you would kill for something.  Somewhat stoic to tell someone who you love that if you had to, you would die in their place.  It is a very romanticized idea that I blame on movies.

I wonder though, perhaps the better compliment to someone you love should instead be that you will die each day to a mountain of things, so that in return you can live in a relationship with them.

That your love is so strong that you will put to death a myriad of opportunities, say no to the escapes and bludgeon that desire to realize a selfish dream.

That each day you go up to the cliff,

See the depth,

Feel the wind swirl,

And in the end,

Jump.

You will never ever be really ready.  There is always going to be that moment when you step off and scream out WHAT AM I DOING!  I HAD IT SO GOOD UP THERE!

But in the end, the giving up – that fear and trembling and death – is what makes the watery crash worth it.

All things that really matter must scare you.  They must haunt you in the best of ways.  And in the end, the difference between good and God is usually just a step.