Say something, I’m giving up on you.
And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.
– Say Something A Great Big World
I am not sure what I expected God and I to be like.
Relationships seem so easy in movies or church. He says things, we believe them, and that is pretty much it. Be sure to give a tip for God as the offering bags pass you by…
However, the more I try to follow God, the more I am realizing that no matter what I say about it, I make a chaotic, sticky mess of it all. I can try by sheer arrogance to force the relationship to look the way I am made to believe it should, but in the end, it feels a lot more like my kitchen table after Saturday morning waffles. Really good, but everything is caked in sticky syrup. I am Dutch so this bothers me. I like order.
I tend to approach God a lot and aim to make Him more predictable. I want him to make sense, not for Him to make sense out of me. I do A so then You must do B. Are you catching all this God?
It never works that way though, and instead I am left a lot in that state of not really knowing what to do or what will happen.
I hate the not knowing.
I doubt many people actually like it.
Some talk about how ignorance is bliss, but I think that phrase only works with the small things, the things that do not actually need my involvement. It works with slices of life that will most likely have succeeded or failed, regardless of my involvement.
With most things worth knowing, the waiting is the part that always seems to be the hardest. It feels like you have to grieve two outcomes simultaneously because no one knows which one will come true.
We might get back together…
It might be cancer…
It might be inoperable…
It might be autism…
Dad might come back home…
You might understand in time…
It is like, there are things and then there are things.
There is a story in the bible that I love/dislike-in-a-strong-Christian-way. It centers around a guy named Jonathan that is part of an army that is camped in a valley directly across from a horrendously strong enemy army. Jonathan and his friends had no chance. Most of their compatriots literally ran and hid in caves in the mountains around this valley. It looked bad.
In the middle of this story though, Jonathan says something interesting to his servant that changes everything.
“Jonathan said to his young armor-bearer, “Come, let’s go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised {how they referred to the enemy army} men. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few.””
They then went off and climbed a cliff to the top of a mountain and picked a fight with about 20 enemy soldiers. Everyone in both armies see this happening and a panic erupts. The panic is so bad that in the chaos, God gives Jonathan’s army a huge victory. It is such a good story {1 Samuel 14 if you want to look it up sometime}, and it all turns on one phrase that sticks out to me so much: Perhaps the Lord will act…
I think about this phrase a lot lately for a whole host of differing reasons because in my life there are things and then there are things. I doubt I am the only one.
I went running a few weeks ago, and as I was praying about something very inconsequential in the scheme of life but which mattered a lot to me right then, I kept apologizing to God about how I knew this was not a big deal. One of those: I am sure you have bigger stuff to take care of…
Then God started talking to me, which tends to throw me off a bit.
Why are you sorry?
Me: Because this should not be this big of a deal.
When you get stressed, what do you do first?
Me: I talk to You about it.
How do you think that makes me feel?
Me: Honestly, probably bothered a lot.
I love it.
Me: Why?
I want to be the One you run to.
I have thought about that so much because I wish so badly I was praying for small things lately. I don’t want to see the clouds moving in. I don’t want to walk through the valley where there is an enemy I can’t beat myself. I don’t want to pick the fight.
And so I run. Because I just don’t know. I tried working on the deck in my backyard, but I ran out of nails before I ran out of tears.
As I was running, I just kept think that perhaps…
Perhaps the stories are true.
Perhaps the Lord saves means more than I think it does.
Perhaps the road won’t lead to there.
Perhaps God might act, but even it doesn’t work out the way I want, the Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His Name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Amen.
Chasing The Wild Beast 