“…But when I look at you,
When I look at you I’m home.”
– Dory Finding Nemo
I don’t really know what to call this.
I just know I am at the end of something and more nervous of the next step much more than usual. It is as if that bag of tricks is all done and now it’s at that weird stage where you feel like walking into a cloud that you can’t see through, but know its what’s next. One of those, this next part can’t be about me, moments.
I don’t like that feeling.
I like the ones where I can see everything miles out. Where the grids all make sense and taking the next step is overwhelming logical. Where it all just makes sense.
Also, it is why my favorite psalm is not “Thy word is a lamp unto my feet.” I mean, candles at your feet are hard to see by. I would rather it say that the Bible is a million candle power beacon blazing through the night so I can see every step in artificial daylight. That would have made the Psalm better I think, but if better means false, then I guess it is not really better…
It is a bit like how I feel I paid my counselor for a year to basically tell me the same phrase over and over.
“Remember Joel, Ambiguity breeds Anxiety.”
“I get it man.”
“I don’t think you do…man.”
Yeah, he was right. Not really surprising. Ambiguity breeds Anxiety: what I don’t know about a situation will always be the main press of satan in my life. Like a piano that you sing a note into, satan is pretty good at singing into my heart and seeing what responds. Something always responds, and that is where it all starts.
Usually, it’s the fear of the unknown. Occasionally, preaching in my underwear is a top candidate.
Which leads me naturally to Star Trek.
Sheri and I saw the latest mind bending special effects jeweled offering from J.J. Abrams last week. The movie is incredible.
There is one scene that stuck out to me a lot. During a particular battle scene, one of the main characters is attacked by the villain and overpowered. As the two fight to the bone, the villain, with incredible intensity, stares straight into the good guys eyes, paralyzing his opponent, and then proceeds to exert such force on the good guys skull that it kills him.
I jumped back like 3 feet. Sheri just sat there, she loves scary movie moments.
Later on in the movie, the scene is somewhat repeated with another good guy, but in the moment of peril, the crisis is averted by a last second counterattack by a second hero.
I think that is a lot more like spirituality than I realize.
When I have really screwed up life, it was mostly when I was attacked and could think of nothing else than what was right in front of me. The demons were so strong, I felt paralyzed. I could not see past what was right in front of me, only straight at the problem. It’s hard enough to fight my own brain normally, much more so when something is trying to crush it.
However, the way I got out of it was never by fighting. It was by someone or something else entirely coming and joining the fight with me. When someone has your back, you can do a lot of cool stuff.
My counselor basically worked on the same issue in my life with me over and over until I wasn’t taken in as much.
Until I was able to start to recognize what was happening, and then get up and run.
Until I saw that beyond me, there were those that needed me to throw back the chains.
Until I was able to start seeing that there was more going on than just my pride or selfishness…
Until I saw that I was being played.
The turning point was and always is, do I listen to what is around me? Am I hearing what they or God is saying about it? Or am I just thinking, I got this. I can do this. You can accomplish a lot through sheer stubbornness, but most of it won’t last.
It was only when I let others in,
when we went there,
when I let others begin to see that,
When God pulled back it all and said, “What are you out here for? It’s just you and Me, lets drop the false pretense. Your not okay and you and I both know it.”
This is not to say that I am some spiritual giant. You can make rats run a maze flawlessly if you give them a big enough incentive.
I am saying though that there are some things in life that are worth it all, but you don’t find them unless you understand that you are them. You are worth Someone giving all He had to break it all, and that it is not a one time deal. That each day, He is out there, searching for me because I need to be found each day. I am pretty good at getting lost…yet He says…
Just come back. We will deal with the mess after I have you back in My Arms again…
Chasing The Wild Beast 